


Omi Cyberoni

by asparagusmama



Series: In honour of 50 years since decriminalisation [2]
Category: Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005), Round the Horne
Genre: Crack, cyber-omi, daiture Doctor, palare/polari
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-25 00:24:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12024207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asparagusmama/pseuds/asparagusmama
Summary: The Doctor has just saved Julian and Sandy. They explain their adventure to Mr Horne in their usual way.





	Omi Cyberoni

Kenneth walked up to his favourite bookshop and cafe. He’d been away and was desperate for a coffee and perhaps to treat himself to a new book. He was shocked as he approached ‘Bona Books and Dolly Cream Cakes’. The windows were blown out, the door smashed, and as he stepped inside, books and broken furniture were everywhere.

“Hello!” he called out, and soon heard the proprietors come out through the back passage to the cafe behind, carrying brooms and mop and bucket.

“Hello!” came the response. “Oh hello, I’m Julian and this is my friend Sandy,” Julian called out through the doorway

“Ooh hello Mr Horne, how bona to vada your dolly old eek,” Sandy called as he walked in, broom in hand.

Kenneth looked about the shop in despair. “What happened here?”

“Ooh, you wouldn’t believe us, would he Julian?” Sandy wailed.

“No. Lilly herself wouldn’t adam it, I promise you.”

“Try me. It looks like someone has well and truly smashed up your shop here. Victim of a hate crime, were you?” asked Kenneth.

Julian gasped and clutched his heart as if insulted. Sandy clutched Julian and glared at Kenneth. “Hate crime!” he demanded, looking down his long nose in horror. “Why would you say such a horrible thing? Who would hate us? No, it was the metal omi, wasn’t it Julian?”

“Indeed it was. Although it could have been a palone,” Julian replied.

“Might have been, except he called it an omi, didn’t he?”

“Yes he did. He saved us Mr Horne, saved our very lives, I tell you.”

“Who did?”

“The omi-palone in the brown suit. With the zhoosh riah.”

“Riah to die for.”

“Lallies all the way up to his armpits.”

“Just appeared he did, just after the metal omi, the cyberomi, smashed its way up from the basement.”

“Delete it was saying.”

“Delete delete delete, just like that Mr Horne.”

“Trolling up the stairs on its big metal lallies. Its nasty plates making a terrible noise. Stomp stomp stomp. I tell you Mr Horne, it was so cod, I was scared for me and Sandy’s life.”

“When in she runs, magic wand in her lovely long luppers, pointing at the metal omi, talking to it, telling it all of its kind were dead, long dead, that he’d dealt with them centuries...”

“Centuries?”

“Oooh yes, centuries, didn’t we say? This fruit was as alien as they come.”

“Born on another planet,” Julian added, nodding.

“Stuck the wand thing right into the circle thing on the cyberomi’s metal jubes and it went all fizzing and distressed, making a horrible racket.”

“Like it was crying and screaming.”

“Then bam! Its lucoddy exploded.”

“Gross it was. We was cleaning up the cafe when you came.”

“And who is this fortuni alien man who saved your life?” Kenneth asked.

“Oh, didn’t we say? He’s called the Doctor,” Julian replied.

“He’s back in the cafe, having a cup of tea after all the exertion. He picked up a book, pulled on some oglefakes on his dolly eek and started to read, like nothing had happened.”

“Nothing at all.”

“Come and meet him Mr. Horne.”

“Indeed I will. I’ve never met a so alien before. In fact, I’ve not met any alien at all, not even a naff one.”

**Author's Note:**

> Glossary:  
> bona=good  
> dolly=pretty  
> eek=face  
> vada=to see  
> lilly (law)=police  
> omi=man  
> palone=woman  
> omi-palone=effiminate homosexual  
> zhoosh=fancy, stylish  
> riah=hair  
> lallies=legs  
> cod=bad  
> jubes=breasts/chest  
> lucoddy=body  
> fortuni=gorgeous  
> so=gay  
> naff=straight/boring/dull  
> ogleflakes=glasses
> 
> NB adam comes from adam and eve, as in believe, which is Cockney rhyming slang and not polari


End file.
